About a month ago, I woke up. Not from a coma, or at least not a physical one. Perhaps a self-induced metaphysical one, though. I have been so angry. So sad and frustrated. Everything, I mean everything, hurts. Exhausted and angry and in pain. And I have no clue as to why. I have an amazing husband who has and would do anything for me. I have a gifted, talented, beautiful, amazing daughter. I have a beautiful home, two actually- but we won't get into that right now. I have an arc full of dogs and cats, fish and mice, that have all picked me to be their person. I am lucky enough to not have to work outside the home and can focus on my education, my kid, me. But here I sit, sad and angry. I have everything I thought I ever wanted and I find myself not only not wanting it, but flat out rejecting it. The world is spinning so fast inside my head and I just want it to stop.
I can't even say that I feel like I've gotten off track. I don't think I was ever on any track to fall from. I spent my entire life just looking for somebody, anybody, to love me. By the time I finally found that person, I had already convinced myself that I was unworthy of love. Married him, had a child with him, built a life with him, moved across the country with him, all the while living in a fog of depression, pain and confusion.
I've always had itchy feet. Never stayed anywhere too long. I am easily bored and easily distracted. I dropped out of college when it got too hard and fell in love with a man who was shiny and fun. That he was emotionally unavailable with no desire to commit to anything was just something I would have to fix about him. I was determined to make him love me. One day I decided to move to Boston from Chicago because that's where he was. Left a man who wanted to love me for a man who couldn't. And so is the story of my life. After five years of wandering around the country in a corset and riding boots (another story for another day) trying to convince this man that he really did love me, I stopped.
I had found a new love. Cocaine. Chasing that high, ruining what little life I had. It always made me feel better, even when it made me feel worse. I can fit those years into just a few sentences, because that's all they are to me. I don't remember much. I remember a New Year's Eve spent with my head bowed over a pile as big as big as my fist, alone, determined to chase that high, or die. I should have died. There's absolutely no reason I didn't die. I watched friends OD on significantly less amounts and there I was, giving it the old girl scout try, praying everything would just stop.
It didn't. Everything kept going. I kept going. I moved from Boston back to the midwest because I thought that's where the husbands were. And that there were no drugs there. I was right about one, eventually. I was wrong about the other. The drugs found me, kept finding me, right up until the day I met my husband. In fact I was as high as a kite the night I met him. We started dating a week later. And I stopped.
No rehab, no DT's, no program. Just quit. I found someone who wanted to love me. He was clean, so I was clean. I really was as simple as that. I have had no desire to go back there. Sure, addiction is a part of my life and creeps in for a little while in small ways. But I don't drink often, I don't abuse prescription meds, don't even smoke weed but once in a great while. I smoke cigarettes. I quit cocaine and Meth cold turkey, but damned if I can't stop smoking cigarettes. I will. When the time is right. I will stop.
I found what I was looking for, or so I thought. No matter what, he gave me my second chance. He gave me my daughter. He gave me my life back. I will always, always, love him for that. And how do I repay that kindness? By being sad and angry all the time. Of course there's been so much laughter and fun. But always this underlying anger. I am also very lucky in that my husband is patient and blessed with the ability to communicate. We don't fight. We talk. He knows everything on my mind. I know most of what's on his, I think. And yet I am not excited, or even happy to see him when he comes home from work. There is no romance. I'm not even talking the first love, movie style romance. I'd just like the we've been married for six years and I still want you kind of romance. Maybe it's that part of me that is still twenty one, looking to walk away from the good man who wants to love me towards something I only think I want because I can't have it. I want to stop.
But now it's different. I want to stop but I want to go. I have no idea where or how but I have to do something. If only I knew what that something was. I'm starting to figure it out. Not jumping into or out of anything. Meditation, school, photographing life, writing are all getting me there. And maybe when I finally get there, I'll stop.
Dawn. This post is amazing. And there are ways to move from this place into the light. This post is moving, and raw, and hard. And life is like that sometimes. Reach out to the people around you. I have benefited significantly from counseling, and maybe you would too. I personally never spent more than 3 weeks (cumulative) single from the time I was 15 until I was 25, bouncing from relationship to relationship, in order to fill up that empty saddness inside of me. The black hole of darkness that when I thought of, consumed me with loneliness. You are not the only one to ever feel this dark, and there are real ways to find your way out. Reaching out, sharing it, talking it, is the first step.
ReplyDeleteDear Brave, Sweet Dawn,
ReplyDeleteYou've given voice to your feelings, and you've set healing in motion. What's equally beautiful to me is you've dropped an anchor for others to grab onto.
You're taking a huge emotional risk by making yourself so vulnerable, and I appreciate you for it. This must have been very difficult to publish. Congratulations on your kick-ass courage. You just made this world a little smaller.
With sincerity and admiration,
Chris
Dawn- What a lovely gift you have given us all. I suspect you have just made it possible for other beings to let themselves feel. It seems in our world that allowing yourself to feel, to question possibilities and to embrace our pasts is simply impermissable. As if stumbling, getting up and resetting course are solidly in the fail category.
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful woman in process; and I am grateful for the honor or being able to peep into your world and see you move toward who you want to be. I hope you never stop, that you never settle and that you find your next best Dawn over and over again.
Warmest love to you,
Cat
Yeah and you told me all this shit a year ago and did I go anywhere? No. It's not so terrible hun--from one ex (sort of) druggie weirdo to another, I love you and it's gonna be alright. And e-mail this to your therapist STAT. This is what they're paid the big bucks for--and we're here to catch you when you fall.
ReplyDeleteYou know what? I shared my story with The Monster and I just realized, we are ALL the stars of the song now here for you. The song is called If I Am by Nine Days. Your ability to reach out with this raw emotion, and open yourself up, will bring you into all of our arms if you need the extra hand. Hang in there momma!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing these thoughts so honestly. This is the first of your posts that I've read, but already I can tell that you are an incredibly strong person. I've had (and still have) a difficult time with my thoughts and feelings too, and I find amazing release in sharing them through writing. I hope you find the same and continue to do so.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments. They mean the world to me. This was my first foray into deep, real writing. And as scary as it was to push post, I am now so glad I did. I refuse to settle anymore. I refuse to let others dictate my path. And as long as you are all out there willing to listen, I will keep doing it. I have no regrets from my past. Everything I went through made me who I am now and brings me closer to who I want to be. I'm just so grateful that I came out to a supportive and amazing group of people. And if it helps anyone else along their path, then that is a very nice bonus.
ReplyDeletewow dawn. that was so touching and beautifully written. as a {recovering?} addict myself, i can relate to how love enabled you to quit cold turkey, and also the inexplicable black moods that sometimes greet BF when he gets home, rather than the love and happiness he deserves. you're an amazingly strong and beautiful soul. i'm so glad to have found you and the others, to know that we are not alone. keep writing, my dear XD
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I think releasing this will let you open up to finding the place your're searching for. You may even find out you're already there.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I liked it so much I became your first "Follower."
Dawn,
ReplyDeleteI'm so very happy for you. Writing this post, forget about publishing it!, took enormous courage. And that courage, coupled with your self-awareness and determination, will serve you well. You'll find the help you need.
Tom
Beautiful honesty. You'll find your way. We always do. It's the way of the universe. You're already on your way, you just don't realize it yet.
ReplyDeleteOh, and remember to love your partner. If you do, and appreciate him, let him know. If he loves you as much as you say he does, he'll be patient with you.