Precipice

Precipice: noun 1: a very steep or overhanging place  2: a hazardous situation; broadly : brink

I stand on a precipice.  I am on the brink. The brink of a whole new life.  I am choosing to walk away from a life of security and complacency toward a life that is infinitely more terrifying, yet hopeful.  My motives and my sanity have been questioned, and fairly so. Were I to look at someone else in my position doing what I am doing, I would probably question their motives and their sanity as well.  I am here today to assure everyone, including myself that my motives are pure and that I am as sane as I have ever been...which may not be saying much, but there it is.

So why?  Why am I walking away from a stable life, a man who is kind, a beautiful home, a spoiled existence?  What crazy person chooses to leave security for the great unknowable?  This crazy person.  I am not happy.  I don't think I have ever been happy. I'm not sure I know how to be happy.

Don't get me wrong- I have had moments of pure joy.  The day my daughter was born. My wedding day.  Mind-blowing sex.  And maybe that's all there is.  Maybe life is only monotony strung together with brief moments of joy that are few and far between.  Maybe it's not supposed to be joy broken up by brief moments of monotony.  But I cannot accept that.  

I need to know that my life can have hope.  I need to know great love.  Not just a love that is safe and consistent - I want that too - but a love that takes my breath away every time I look into his eyes.  I have to believe a love like that can exist.  If it doesn't, then what is the point?

For me, beyond that great love with someone else, I must find that great love of myself.  I have waited my entire life for someone to love me enough.  It has taken me almost 38 years to realize that someone else's love will never be enough, at least not until I can love myself enough.  God, that sounds cheesy.  But it's true.  From a crappy childhood, to a crappy adolescence, to a crappy young adulthood, to an actually pretty decent adulthood, I have waited.  Waited for my parents to love me enough.  Waited for a man to love me enough.  When a man came along who finally did love me enough, surprise! it wasn't enough.  Why?  Because I can't stand me, so how could I expect anyone else to love me?  

So here I stand, for the world to see.  On the brink of a new life.  Terrified.  Sad.  Lonely.  Hopeful.  Now, I just need to find a place to live.

 A precipice isn't always a fall; sometimes it's a climb.